and, i know that it is not justified (nor is it true), but i feel like a failure, and very defeated. b/c as hard as my program is, and despite the fact that LOTS of people struggle, they are still able to pass. so, why am I the person that was not able to do it?
after 7.5 years of academia, am I that burnt out of school?!?!? and, i think i am so affected by it because i LOVE nursing, and i LOVE this program (despite the fact that it seems like everyone around me, including myself, is flunking out), and know that both are perfect for me.
I am worried about having to face the global health committee, and being the student that they gave a second chance, and wasn't able to handle it. I do think that having to do stats probably had an effect on everything and my workload, but, despite that... it is the undergraduate classes (and the exams) that are killing me; pathology, physiology, pharmacology, and this one. all 4 are undergrad classes, and all four have been a struggle. they make me feel really stupid. (and, i know. i'm not. but, it is just how I am feeling.)
I know that there was a point last semester, when I was not feeling well, that i thought "Shit, this whole thing is going to cause me to drop/flunk out of school." I never thought it could be actually true. Now, the prof for the class I failed has written the program director, and is going to see what the procedures are... if there i can write a supplemental exam (it seems to me that all my classmates that I have told say "yes, we are allowed to fail one class, and write the supplemental."), or do an extra project on the subject matter to get some extra points.
I am not out of school just yet. If i am, i honestly have no idea what I will do. But for now, i compartmentalize. I cope, i go on. And, i wait. I wait to see what the decision will be. and, i will go forward, not "fighting for my position," but, rather, humbly. Because, clearly, if I get through this, and they figure something out to let me stay in the program, I am getting yet another second chance. and, well, that is more than i deserve.
ARGHGHGHGHGHGH! i hate this. it sucks.