Monday, January 3, 2011

Running in snow dust doesn't solve the problem...

but, it sure does help. And, I guess that is the thing about exercise. It doesn't necessarily solve the problem, but it sure does allow you to deal with it better. The endorphins (or whatever you want to call them) that flow while you are exercising allows you to face the day, the situation, or whatever... better. movement, though done with the body, is healing for the soul.

so, it is the new year, and it is back to the grind. I got back on sunday, late afternoon, and did a whole lot of nothing yesterday; pretty much was waiting for today to start. watched a rom-com (umongst other things), grocery shopped, and trained. that was pretty much it. so, before we begin, i present you with cute pictures. here is me and the boy i like x2 . he needs to shave his neck in the second photo. that is all i gotta say about that ;)

ok, so, after a whole lot of nothing yesterday, today arrived. and it has proven to be an awful day. i won't say "The worst day is such and such of a time frame" because i don't know that. it was just an awful day. and, i know that this blog is open to the world. and, due to that, most of the time I filter a lot. you may think i am candid, but, i filter. trust me.

right now, though? it is not going to be very filtered. i am feeling raw tonight, and i need to write. and, i guess that when you have a quote like that very powerful dean karnazes quote at the top of your blog, you owe it to yourself to be raw. you gotta believe in the things that you say. it doesn't make it any easier, though.

i have cried quietly and not so quietly. prayed. talked to people. exercised my frustrations out. A LOT today. 'cause for today, that is all i can do. but, i sure wish i knew what was going on with all of this.

I woke up, getting ready for the first day back at school, and remembered that my last-term grades would be posted. I was shocked to first find a grade of B on my Research methods class. This is the one that I put loads of time in, and felt like I did really well on the final. How can this be? Then, I kept on scrolling. And, there it was. staring at me directly off the screen.

an F in Illness Management.

WTF. An F!???! in almost 8.5 years of school, I have NEVER gotten an F. I am a 3.4 undergrad, and 3.7 graduate student. A F'ING F!?!??! WHAT THE F!?
(and. just a disclaimer. in my program, a C+ is an F. yeah,i know. crazy, right? )

how is it that I failed? where did I go wrong? the exam was hard, but not THAT hard. I understand everything we talked about in class. I missed ONE class all semester, which I then watched online. how is it that I could fail?

this semester has been the hardest one of my life. in the final weeks, my life was exceptionally unbalanced, both in the amount of school that i was doing, the food i was eating, and the lack of exercise I was getting. and that was following the 6 weeks of awful health. i have had 2 doctors appointments this fall, and two ER visits (plus one where I was a support for a friend). that is not good, nor is it easy. but, it is also not an excuse. something went wrong.

so... what do I feel?

i feel scared (about the potential outcomes) and ashamed (b/c the global health committee gave me a second chance by letting me in the global health stream, and directly asked "will you be able to handle the extra workload?" to which I responded yes, because i truely believed i could...) and upset (because i know this is not representative of my ability) and shocked (b/c i honestly don't know how i could feel OK coming out of the two exams on that monday, and then find out that i failed one, and the other i barely passed).

and, i know that it is not justified (nor is it true), but i feel like a failure, and very defeated. b/c as hard as my program is, and despite the fact that LOTS of people struggle, they are still able to pass. so, why am I the person that was not able to do it?

after 7.5 years of academia, am I that burnt out of school?!?!? and, i think i am so affected by it because i LOVE nursing, and i LOVE this program (despite the fact that it seems like everyone around me, including myself, is flunking out), and know that both are perfect for me.

I am worried about having to face the global health committee, and being the student that they gave a second chance, and wasn't able to handle it. I do think that having to do stats probably had an effect on everything and my workload, but, despite that... it is the undergraduate classes (and the exams) that are killing me; pathology, physiology, pharmacology, and this one. all 4 are undergrad classes, and all four have been a struggle. they make me feel really stupid. (and, i know. i'm not. but, it is just how I am feeling.)

I know that there was a point last semester, when I was not feeling well, that i thought "Shit, this whole thing is going to cause me to drop/flunk out of school." I never thought it could be actually true. Now, the prof for the class I failed has written the program director, and is going to see what the procedures are... if there i can write a supplemental exam (it seems to me that all my classmates that I have told say "yes, we are allowed to fail one class, and write the supplemental."), or do an extra project on the subject matter to get some extra points.

I am not out of school just yet. If i am, i honestly have no idea what I will do. But for now, i compartmentalize. I cope, i go on. And, i wait. I wait to see what the decision will be. and, i will go forward, not "fighting for my position," but, rather, humbly. Because, clearly, if I get through this, and they figure something out to let me stay in the program, I am getting yet another second chance. and, well, that is more than i deserve.

ARGHGHGHGHGHGH! i hate this. it sucks.


Alexa said...

gI'm sorry Amelia. I can't believe you could get an F. I didn't even know it was possible to get an F if you went to class and studied and tried.. I thought Fs were reserved for people who just.. don't show up. :(

Kelly said...

I'm sorry Amelia! Definitely talk with the prof. and do whatever you need to to get the grade fixed. Most professors that i know would be very willing to help a good student. And, you are NOT stupid!