warning. this is N.O.T a happy-go-lucky post. it may even be a bit depressing. but, i need a vent. and, i don't care what you think, and if you don't like my vent.
so, I had mid-term exam yesterday. In a class called Clinical assessment and therapeutic nursing. or something like that. It is a under-grad nursing class about technical things: fluid balances, and electrolyte balances, and acid-base balances, and post-surgical care. Stuff that nurses need to know. Also stuff that we learn. in. clinical. and, really, it is the only mid-term exam that I have, so, I shouldn't be complaining. Some people have it much harder.
I could've not taken my exam yesterday... I had a doctor's note. I was ill on Monday. I thought that there was something really wrong going on with me. so, i went to the ER. For the 2nd time in as many months. It has me feeling like at hypochondriac. and, each time, it has not been something serious, and has been something very treatable. which is good. but, it is slightly embarrassing. I was at the ER from about 2:30 and arrived back home at 10:15pm. and, not going to lie. The ER waiting room is not very conducive to studying.
but, what was my alternative? Write the exam later? when I am not motivated to study, because i have more school work building up? or have to write it next week, when my boyfriend is coming for 4 days this weekend to visit (YAY!)? or have my final be worth 100% of my grade?! not very compelling alternatives. the worse of two evils. and, i had studied some. I wasn't feeling great, I am feeling exceptionally tired these days, but, i deducted that it was better than waiting. so, i wrote the mid-term yesterday.
And, i don't feel good about it. I mean... I know that I could've done better. i am kinda worried about what my grade is going to be. and, i guess it kinda sheds light onto something that has been in the back of my head, for a while... I am tired of school. i am in my 2nd M.Sc degree. I am pretty much in my 8th (ish) year of post-secondary education. and, i know this is just one exam. a small part of a bigger picture. but, the more i think about it, the more i am worried about it.
i love learning. i love nursing. i love that i have the opportunity to have this many years of education, when many people in the world can barely send their children to school. i love thinking, and challenging my knowledge base.
but, i don't love focusing on cramming numbers into my head that I know I will have a sheet to tell me what the right values will be, when I should be focusing on learning what the outcomes and longer-term results might be. I don't love being broke all the time. I don't love feeling like i should be succeeding, yet, for some reason, hitting barriers that are restricting me. I don't like feeling that I have to prove myself to be better than others have opportunities that expand my knowledge, or teach me. I don't like being tired all the time. i don't like projects where your grade depends on other people. i don't like having to feel like I have to put relationship to the side, in order to achieve tasks. i hate knowing that I know one exam has never, in my life, changed my fate (okay... well, except that exam), so, I shouldn't stress about it.
but, this exam, in particular, reminded me a few things. i am tired. I am feeling like my brain is incapable of translating the information onto the paper into practical knowledge. for the first time in a very long time, I am feeling like i don't want to do this, despite wanting the outcomes, and knowing that I have too. i am feeling defeated. i have felt ill more this fall than I have felt over many years... like something is just not right in my body. (on another note, the ER doc suggested that I might want to get my thyroid checked. in a way, it would kinda be nice to know if some of the things I am feeling is due to some imbalance. on the other hand, i don't like the idea of having something wrong with me. and, on the 3rd hand~ if I don't have hypothyroidism, then it just means that i am in a slump, and this is just emotional.)
the end. that is all. hopefully it will get better. i know it will. these things never last.