Friday, September 19, 2008

a little freedom

"The only thing that makes life possible is the permanent, intolerable uncertainty, the joy of not knowing what comes next "
- Ursula K Le Guin

there are a couple of things that i love about commuting by bicycle.  some of them depends on the ride; such as watching the sun rise, or set.  or if you want to get a workout, or if you want to take a leisurely ride. or, if you listen to music, or choose to listen to what is going on around you.  but, at least one thing that happens every single time you go on a commute.  You have the time to feel the wind in you hair, and rushing past your body, as you take the time to prepare for the day, or take time to decompress from the day.  it is a time to think about your day (ahead, or behind), while your blood is flowing rich with oxygen and endorphins.  :)

and, today, as always, i had a good think on my way home (which i rode leisurely, with great music in my ears)...

this week has been a bit of a trip.  and, so often, i find it interesting that the outward bound quote of the day is suitable for what is going on in life.  so, i included it at the beginning of this post.  Today, i sit and write with a little bit of sadness in my heart.  Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it is barely noticeable.  but, riding home tonight, it was quite heavy.  

On tuesday, I got the scores from my MCAT exam.  if you remember, i spent the majority of the summer getting ready for the exam, and felt fairly decent and prepared going into it.  I had a great, relaxing time on the sunshine coast, and even though i knew that one section did not go well, I thought that it would not have been terrible.  

well, I got the scores, and in the 30 seconds it took me to log onto the website, my plans from the last 6 years crumbled to pieces.  My dreams to go to medical school next fall were quickly clouded over.  My scores were not good.  And, especially on one section, low enough to not at all apply for Medicine.  Application boards would not even look at it.  and, so, things change.  I am now about 5 days in, and things are okay.  I woke up on Wednesday morning, took a deep breath, and said that it was not worth any more tears than the single good cry.  That it was time to walk forward.  

initially, I wanted to plan.  plan exactly what my backup plan is going to look like (i want to do my Master's of Public Health), where i am going to go, what i am going to do, how i am going to make some money, if i want to travel, etc.  and, now, i just don't know.  it has set into me that i am a little bit of a place where i have soooooooo much flexibility in what i want to do, and where i want to go, and who i want to spend my time with, and when i want to do it.  all of a sudden, i don't have to stress.  I don't have to worry about trying to be good enough to get into med school. i have good people around me, who believe in me, and who understand me, and who support me.  and, that is really nice.     

but, in all honesty, even though i know with 90% that i will pursue Public Health, i am feeling a little direction-less right now.  and, it feels really weird to not have a specific aim to be pushing for.

in many ways,  i do wish right now that i had enough money to take a long trip.  one in which i didn't have a time limit as to which i had to return.  maybe to find a little bit more direction, and another dream to reach for...

I added the tag of "the hilarity of life" because life is ironic. you never really know waht is totally going to happen. but, at least i know, and truely believe that we are small parts of bigger plans.  we are not totally in control of what is going on. I know that where ever i go, and what ever i do, it is going to work out. in the last 6-8 weeks, i have learnt so much, and (i think, in many ways) grown so much. it has been a rollercoaster, that is for sure. but, i am so glad that i have the trust and faith that seems to bring peace...

"...the joy of not knowing what comes next"

so, for now, another quote:

"Man has survived everything, and we have only survived it on our optimism, and optimism means faith in ourselves, faith in our universal qualities, and above all, faith in love. "
- Edward Steichen


Bonnieupnorth said...

We will talk...I am glad I am coming out..hang in there.

Amanda said...

ugh... sorry to hear things are a bit ... ok more than a bit upside-down at them moment. Remember that you are an amazing woman and no test scores can change that. love you, sis.