Sunday, September 14, 2008

"journal of a narcoleptic"

A year and a half ago, my brother Leigh (who is 8 years older than me) turned up on my doorstep and stayed for 3 weeks.  I had not seen him for about 3 years, and since then, I have had not heard from him.  He was more than welcome to stay, and i wish he would do it more often. it was nice to have conversations with him, and hear his perspectives on life. i do wish that i knew where he was, and that i could see him more often in my life.  however, most of the conversations we had, I do not really remember.  But i do remember one thing that he said to me.  

he told me that if i thought that my early 20's were going to be the point of life in which i learn. and change. and grow. the most, that i am wrong.  he told me to just get ready for my mid-late 20's, because in those few years, life will have a whole new learning curve, and that i will experience more change in my life than i can anticipate.  

i have been 25 for just over 2 months.   and, in the spring, when i was approaching my birthday, i felt as if i was on the edge of something big.  that i was on the edge of big changes in my life.  and, it seems to me that i am approaching that change. quickly.  and, i don't know if it is that i am getting my scores from my MCAT on tuesday, and i am scared and nervous about it that i am thinking about some of this stuff.  but, i feel like in the last 6 weeks, i have had more deep thoughts. and conversations. and encounters. and scary experiences. and vivid experiences. about life than i have had in the recent past.  everything from 

racing in my first triathlon, to
writing my MCATS, to
applying to medical school, to
deep conversations about God, to
having my close friend graduate from our M.Sc program, to
having christina return from Egypt, to
meeting people that i have not expected to meet, to
making decisions about what will happen if i do not get into medical school, to
wishing that there was more time in life to experience more things, to
long walks that get me thinking about where i want to be in 5 years, and where i want to be in 10 years, to
being reminded of values that i have had for my whole life, to 
winning races, to 
thinking about the things that i am very passionate about, to
remembering that sometimes your best friends know you more than you know yourself, to 
many phone conversations lasting over and hour. 

and, i don't feel like, here, on this blog, i want to get into it much more than that.    

i just know that i am on the edge.  the edge of what, i am not quite sure.  but, i also just know that i wish i could know the answers to a lot of the questions that i have right now.  i kinda wish that i could know what my life is going to look like, and where i am going to be, and who i will be socializing with, and what i am going to be doing, one year from now.  

and, i suppose it is at this point, where people who know me well would remind me that all these questions will just work out, and that the answers will come, and that "the journey is not just about the destination." 

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