Thursday, October 1, 2009

struggling a bit...

first off, "hello" to all the people linking over from bikesnob. this is me. with (maybe not) my bike. and a mountain...

so, i guess that it has been a while since i have had a fairly decent post. yesterday, was a day that was laced with annoyances, and kinda made me realize that there are so many things right now that are wearing on me.

  • my student loan got screwed up. I am still waiting for the $ which was supposed to arrive in my account on the 1st of september. I have eaten through my savings with moving and "getting started in school" expenses, and I HATE that I have had to ask many people to help me out, especially my parents. I feel like virtually every day is a day that i am thinking "if i spend this 2$ on coffee, what am going to have to cut out later." or, "dang, i have to phone my automatic withdrawals, and tell them that they cannot take it out because it will bounce." I HATE that I am 26, and feel like i have to rely totally on other people. and i hate that money plays such an influence on life stress levels.

  • yesterday, my bike got sick. sick enough that I am scared to ride it, because it will get worse. there is popping and grinding coming from either the bottom bracket, or the hubs. mostly when it is wet (yup, montreal is looking more like vancouver with the amount of rain yesterday). and, i know that a overhaul of that, as well as a general tune up will cost a pretty penny. and, i can't send it to my bike mechanic friend. 'cause he lives in vancouver.

  • i am missing my vancouver people. although i am starting to find some people here, i miss my friends. erika. celine. brian. aud. rachel. erik. aldea. caz. my community. shaz. mineko. marc. my people.

  • i am remembering what "self-directed" learning means. and, how much time/dedication a master's degree takes. there is a whole lot of knowledge that needs to enter this brain, and it feels like there is too much sometimes. that my brain isn't big enough.

  • i am feeling like i have such a lack of control and lack of goals right now. in many aspects. in athletics: i don't know what i am looking towards right now. what am i working on? in nutrition: why the heck is it that despite the fact i feel like i am mostly eating well, and sticking to healthy eating, that i have to struggle with food all the time. so many people find nutrition easy to maintain. i find it hard.

but, i am not going to lie. despite the fact that there are somethings which are wearing on me, there are so many things going great in my life.

i love that two close friends have recently gotten engaged: erika, christina. and, i am very excited for them. i love love.

i am excited about what is going to happen in my life in athletics. i am going to get a coach (yay!) to help me realize, and focus my (non) goals!

i love nursing. i love that this is what i am going to do for the rest of my life. i love that i know that it fits like the proverbial glove.

i love coaching rowing. despite having to make hard decisions, and face hard situations, and every day is a learning curve, it brings me great joy. (i don't like that i still have to figure out how to get paid for it, but, non-the-less, i love giving to the community that i have gotten so much out of.)

1 comment:

bananya said...

Amo, sorry for my stupid e-mails, I had no idea... I'm sure u'll do great anyways, because you are very strong ;) love you