Friday, August 29, 2008

highs.lows.

so, courtney did this, and said that everyone else should do it. so, here it is.

highs.
  • getting 5 (or more) music CD's from music guru Megan Orsini. Let me tell you, i have been waiting in high anticipation of this for a looooong time. and, finally, they have arrived. and, new music makes me happy.
  • recently, i have had some interesting conversations about the idea of hell, and what is the definition of a christian. and, it is interesting, and it gets me thinking a lot. because i think i tend to have quite a open definition of both of these. such as the idea that i don't like to make presumtions of the state of someone's heart, or the state of their faith, or "lack" of it. i also know that i believe that there is hell, but i have no right to presume that there will be anyone in it, because of the grace and mercy of christ. however, also, there are many places in the bible that make it seem like it is *Very* easy to spend the rest of eternity there. so, what does that mean for us? that also leads to a low.
  • it seems that i might have exciting christmas plans, that might include seeing a friend of mine from russia, and a road trip through georgia and flordia. but, those plans are still up in the air.
  • i joined couchsurfing. i had a fellow from Montreal stay on my futon this week, for 2 nights. i think communities that exist like this are the statement of the goodness of humanity. i also think that if i had a bigger place, i would host people all the time. i think it really emplifies "do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing, some have entertained angels."
  • it became sunny today.
  • i am very excited about 2 upcoming triathlon races.
  • i have had a lot of deep life thoughts, and been able to consider things like where i hope to be in life in 5 years, and 10 years. and, what are my plans, both for if i make medical school, and if i don't. the way i look at it, i have two options. about 8 years of school if i am in medical school, and about 2 years of school if i don't make it. either way, i am almost positive that i will not be in vancouver next fall, and that makes me sad. but, it is kinda exciting as well. my life is on the verge of big changes.
  • my friend audrey is back in town, and that makes me happy. i have missed her over the summer.
  • i have felt valued recently. and, that is nice.
  • i got my hair done. and, it looks hot.

lows.
  • i hate my knees recently. i think they are ugly.
  • my close friend Kristin, and her husband Graeme, moved to Ottawa. i miss her in my life.
  • see post from yesterday. I hate it when people are having a hard time in life, and i cannot do anything to fix it.
  • i wish that i knew more answers in questions about god, and faith. i kinda wish that it was easier, and simplier. i mean, the gospel is simple. but the rest of theology, it isn't.
  • still two weeks until i get the scores of my MCAT back. and, i am still nervous about it. how badly i would like to have scored well.
  • i am not feeling like i am in peak shape for my race on monday. i hope it doesn't hurt.
  • i am on a medication that makes me feel very dehydrated. and, no matter what i do, it seems like my fluids pass right through me. and, that concerns me about the said race on monday.
  • i was at the public library the other day, when a guy beside me started looking at photos of naked men (yup, i'd call it gay porn), and chatting online, all while listening to his music so that anyone can hear it out of the earphones. it makes me very sad for humanity, that people cannot break away stuff like that in their life, so much so that they are inconsiderate of everyone around them. and, that things like porn can be so gripping upon people's lives. i was also shocked that there was not some sort of block on the computer at the library for stuff like that.
  • recently, i have been feeling nervous a lot, about many things, some of which have been mentioned in this post, and some of which have not. and, when i feel nervous, it makes my mind run on overdrive. and when my mind runs on overdrive, i often don't feel at rest.



so, i think that this is a long post. if you made it through, congrats! i hope everyone has an amazing long-weekend!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

just one wish...

a lot of times, i wish that i could make other people's pain vanish, never to be seen again. i wish i could take it away from them, so they didn't have to bear it.

or, at least be able to give them something to be able to make them feel more rest and peace.





friend, if i could take away your pain, i would. if i could help you find the answers, i would. but, all i can do is be here. and know that i am here if you need it.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Beijing 2008 olympics

So,  the olympics have almost come and gone.  And, as we well know, there has been controversy and debate and drama and victories and lots of late night television watching.  

I love the olympics.  And, i love the summer olympics, more so than the winter games, which might surprize some canadians.  but, really, think of the sports that i have been invloved in in my life.  swimming.  rowing. cycling. soccer. volleyball.  they are all summer game events.  And, as well, i would like to say that if you put a high paced race in front of me, it almost does not cease to amaze, and entertain me.  but, for these games, here are some of the things i have enjoyed, in no particular order.

  • That I know two participants in the games.  Malcolm Howard who won in the men's 8+. Congrats Malcolm!  I know him from high school, we graduated from Brentwood together.  Megan Metcalfe, who I was a competitive swimmer with in childhood, but also was a varsity athlete with at West Virginia University;  she was on track, and i rowed.  She competed in the 5000 m running race, and did her country proud with making the finals. :) 
  • watching the cuba-USA women's volleyball match.  Cuba was favoured for perhaps a first place medal, and the USA a weaker team. HOwever, for some reason, Cuba fumbled.  a lot.  I was really getting into, and wanting them to win.  But the US got it in 3 amazing sets.
  • Sport events that i would never ever watch in real life end up exciting me.  Like, Race walking, where the winner walked 50km's in 3:37 minutes.  that is wayyyyyy faster than i run.  and, they have a funny swagger when they walk.  or, trampolining. or, the decathalon, where people still do things like throw a discus.  or, marathon swimming; i mean, i swim about 2.5km every week in the open water.  I can't imagine doing 10km!!! or, the modern pentathlon?  i mean, really.  seriously folks, can you choose one sport, or do you have to do them all? :)
  • the bombardier canada commercial.  love it. 
  • canoeing and kayaking.  Dang.  those guys are beasts.
  • Simon Whitfield, throwing off his hat, and deciding to bring it on the triathlon.  all i can think, is that at that moment he thought: "screw this, i want to win.  the time is now. i will win this race." screaming at the TV while watching.
  • the black women in track and field.  I love their attitudes, their hair, their nails, and their eye make up.  so much drama, and spunk. it is like they wake up in the morning and just decide "mmmm, im going to be the fastest woman in the world today.  and, then after i race, i am going out dancing."
  • all the hot bodies.
  • oh yes, and, of course, the now famous Mr Bolt.  

Sunday, August 17, 2008

american politics are questioned by mega-pastors :)

Senator's McCain and Obama sit down for a face-to-face with Rick Warren

MCAT test report

i have a feeling that an MCAT test report is not as fun as a race report. but, funny enough, i felt just as exhausted (maybe more so!) after writing the MCAT, as i did following a race. in the sense that all i wanted to do was sleep, and not do anything for about a day....


anyway, so going up to test day, i felt good. I was doing well on practice tests, completing them in time, and getting scores that i was pleased with. My stress level had decresed, and formulas were sticking in my head. I was loving life on the sunshine coast, spending days studying, and hanging out with a dog, drinking coffee and going for runs. ideal. I went to WA state on thursday night, got a decent sleep, and on friday, went to write the test.

section 1, Physics and general Chemistry: well, let's just say that i could've felt better with it. In fact, i felt like it went awful. After the section was done, i almost broke down and cried during my 10 minute break. it was rushed, i didn't answer all the questions, and the questions seemed like they were asking me all of the things i don't know, and nothing that i do know. So, i had a little talk with myself and said "get yourself together, you still have 3 sections left, and you can still do well. Trust. Know that you can do this."

section 2, Reading comprehesion: Again, felt like the reading passages were much longer than on the practice tests. Felt rushed, but felt good about the section. I felt like i have become much more efficient at reading since i have started my M.Sc. Program. so, i felt good there. got some momentum back.

Section 3, verbal reasoning: Felt great with this! my essays were complete, they had decent examples, and i the exams had good prompts, which was nice. one was "Ordinary citizens, not heroes, determine the history of a country." and, the other was something about Governments and decision making. so, i felt good with this as well. it is too bad that Med schools don't care as much about verbal reasoning, as they do about the other sections ;)

Section 4, organic chemistry, and bio: bio is my baby. normally, i am quite good with it. organic is pretty much the spawn of satan. i hate it. so, this makes this section a love-hate relationship. but, i think it went fine. I hope it went great. I answered all the questions, and there were only about 2 that i couldn't give an appropriate "educated guess" for. so, we shall see.


but, one thing that is for sure. I had no idea that one exam can take so much out of my physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have been a basket case in the last 10 days, and i wasn't even realizing it. i have cried at least 3 times since the test (once directly afterwards, and proceeded to stall the car i am driving, and not be able to start it again for a moment or two. ha!), and am relieved that it is over. I have no desire to ever have to write the test again. And, if i "tried my best, but don't succeed" then that is all that can happen. there are more vocations out there. like public health. or teaching. or both.


sigh. deep breath. everything will be okay. now it is time to focus on finishing this damn degree. time to focus on becoming a master of science. :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

so ticked off!

you know when things happen that ticks you off, and you could do nothing at all to change it after you made the decision!?

almost like a speeding ticket. you can get so ticked off that you got nabbed by the cops. but, really, nothing you can do, except pay it. it was your choice to go to fast.

or, like a going to see a matinee, because it is supposed to be cheaper, only to find out that they have changed ticket prices so that they are the same, all the time, no matter what show you go to see.

or, like getting gas at one station, because it is the cheapest that you have seen in a while, only to drive around the block and find it uniformly cheaper everywhere else.

or, like posting a ad on craigslist to sell a chair at a reasonable price, only to find out the real value of the chair later, after you have someone scheduled to see the chair, and you cant change the price. and, the realization that you could have sold it for at least 75-100$ more expensive, but it is to late.



i made a decision a few days ago, only to find out today that had i held out, i would've saved 50$ Damn. argh. so upset. but, i can't be upset, cause i made the decision to go ahead, when i probably should have waited.... psh. i hate it when that happens. oh, the irony.





and. today, when i was eating lunch out on the poarch while studying, a deer walked across the lawn. oh, nature. oh, idealism. how i love thee.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

calm before the storm

i think, that every once and a while, something happens that you can't explain.  

today was my first full day of "pre-MCAT relaxation and house/dog sitting" on the sunshine coast;  which, for those of you who are not BC'ers, is a small area north west of vancouver.  A short ferry ride away, but seems like worlds away.  

amazing, tall arbutus trees. wide open ocean.  
views of mountains.  silence. pristine beaches. hiking trails.

and, i don't know if it is from the encouraging emails that i have had in the past few days, from people who care about me, saying that they are thinking of me, are praying for me, or sending positive thoughts towards me.  or if it is the fact that i don't have to worry about going to work.  or if is that i have disconnected from my exam fear emotions.  i am not quite sure what it is.  

but, i know that tonight, while i was reviewing chemistry, i sensed it.  i sensed the calm.  perhaps one could call it peace.  

and, it wasn't just about the exam.  it was about life
 and it was about trust.


it was awesome to have some positive thoughts in my head.  that even though sometimes i might think i am an emotional basketcase, in reality, im not one. that although the path may seem crooked, i will arrive at my life vocation, however the trail leads. that the right people will come into my life when they need to, and then might subsequently might leave, if and when they need to.  


so, today.  tonight, 
i know that all of this will be okay.   

Saturday, August 9, 2008

"You shall take pleasure in the time while you are seeking, even though you obtain not immediately that which you seek, for the purpose of a journey is not only to arrive at the goal but also to find enjoyment by the way. "- Henry van Dykes

Friday, August 8, 2008

roller coaster of emotions!

Outward bound quote of the day:
"Find out what you want, imagine things as you want them, build new ideas of life, stop believing that some people are lucky and some must be poor, change your ideas and find that life is a beautiful adventure, that each day brings new opportunities to those who will lift their eyes above the everyday grind. "
- Venice Bloodworth


okay, people. MCAT date: t-7days. im telling myself "you will get a score of 30." even though, most moments, i don't believe it.

I am scared. nervous. stressed out of my mind. unable to turn my mind off. anxious. wanting to have a good cry. wishing that i could just be brilliant, and that this knowledge would be a natural talent.

that is all for now. with all of this going on, and more, i ate a 1/3 of a two litre container of icecream last night. first as a rootbeer float, then as a strawberry milkshake. soooo much for the fight for losing weight ;) LOL. kidding.... just means that i have to make sure i don't skip workouts! i have lost about 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks, which i am pretty excited about :) perhaps, i will be a faster racer for the Vancouver Tri, on labour day!??!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

UBC application...

so, i found out today, that i am ineligible to apply for medicine at UBC. which, automatically discludes me from applying to UNBC or UVIC. the reason why:

in highschool, on my CHem AP exam, i scored a 3. while this is good enough for credit in 1st year chemistry for West Virginia University, it is not sufficient as a prereq for med school at UBC. as well, the intro Biochem class at WVU is 5 hours, not 6. So, i am an hour short.

pretty much, it is a decision I made in 2001 which discludes me from applying; the only way in, would be if i were to take 2 terms of 1st year chemistry. BAH... what a piss off.

in other news, it is 8 Days until i write my MCAT. please, pray to whatever God you pray too, so that i end up doing well. Cause, this is my passion. It is my desire. and, i really want to do well, so that i can pursue that.

also, i am currently in contemplation about doing something that is very outside of my character. perhaps a little silly, even. perhaps with risk of great failure. but, i am trying to figure out if it is the right thing to do. pray for my decision in it, that my emotions do not complicate the appropriate and right thing to do. And, that i listen to not only my heart, but also my mind... and that those two things would align.

okay. that is it for me. quite a rollercoaster this week.