So, thanks for the comments on my holiday. It was indeed fun. It was indeed a priviledge to have the time to spend away, in the sun. However, much of my holiday was also spent (a few hours each day) doing school work. I left Montreal on Thursday the 17th (the day after my big exam), to Edmonton, to surprize the boy I like for the weekend. That next monday, I had a literature review due for my Malawi research project.
Today, a day after I got back from the sun, I had a concept map on aboriginal health which was due. You can see it below.
a concept map is pretty much, a visual representation of a research topic. it is a paper, but, with concepts, rather than paragraphs. We do three of them, and this is my second. Visually, it is better than the first. But, the presentation this morning was not great. Honestly, it felt so scattered (Despite having 9pages, single spaced of information), and like i knew nothing about the topics... The topic/senario was addressing suicide in an aboriginal community. the last concept map was addressing a cholera outbreak in a refugee camp in Kenya. really light topics, right?
you can do PhD's on this stuff. and, we are meant to present them in an hour.
i started crying at the end of the presentation, because i felt as if i was just stupid. it did NOT go well. I went for a swim after pulling myself together, and it only kinda helped. i came home, and lay in my bed for 3 hours, divided into a nap (since i got all of 5 hrs sleep last night, doing final touches) and watching grey's anatomy. I have done nothing all day today, except for reflect on this nursing degree.
if there is one thing that is for sure... this degree has been a continual lesson in humility.
everything from having to take undergrad physiology in my qualifying year. to watching as people who should be succeeding, ending up not being able to continue. to not being accepted into the global health stream, then being given a second chance. To failing an exam last fall, and then rewriting and getting a B+ (YUP! WOOOO! not flunking out of school just yet!). to these concept maps.
As a christian, I have learnt about the values of humility, throughout my life. I have felt humbled before God at very poignant times in my life. moments where i have been flat on my face, with my hands stretched out, longing for his grace and mercy and healing. I have learnt how pride can get in the way of so many life situations, and lead to awful actions.
yet, as an individual who does well at things... as an individual who likes to succeed, and put effort into doing many things.... as a person who has been honoured for accomplishments... as a person who has many great things going for her... pride can easily get in the way. hence, the need for learning humility.
the thing about humility, is that it is HARD. and, this degree, is byfar, the hardest out of all 3 degrees that I have done. I know that graduate work is not meant to be a walk in the park. I know that graduate work is meant to challenge, and transform your thinking. And, i know that I am exceptionally thankful for being in the global health stream, and being able to go to Malawi in the fall. but, really. must it include so much feeling of failure, and stupidity? because right now, it seems as if i continually get reminded of how much more I could be doing. it feels as if despite putting huge amounts of time, effort, and sacrifice towards school (its all I do... School and training. I do not do social events, and i go for weeks without seeing my friends, even if i am going to school with them. I have given up coaching rowing... all of this being ok, but, also just wanting to demonstrate the effort i am trying to put in), that i am not doing as well as "i should" be doing.
this degree is teaching me how hard you have to work to be able to do well at something. It is teaching me humility, and showing me what a real challenge is. yes, in many times, I do not like how it makes me feel, but, i know that at the end of this? well, i am going to be a damn good nurse. a nurse that understands ALOT of different concepts, and perceptions, and theoretical based practice. I am going to be a nurse that remembers that it is a HUGE privilege to care for peoples health and wellbeing. I am going to be a nurse who remembers that it takes humility to be able to eventually be lifted up. A nurse that remembers that humility brings wisdom. A nurse that remembers that being humbled and having tears does not mean defeat.
photo from here: