dreaming over the ocean

5 years ago, I crumpled on the sidewalk of Cordova and Dunlevy streets in vancouver, as my dad was speechless on the phone as he called me to say my sister had died.  Grief changes, but I learn that it will never likely leave. Today, as I do every year, Rebecca was high in my thoughts.  Every year, I don't know what I will do to remember this day.  I didn't do much today.  However, I know what I am going to do.. A few years ago, we participated in a public inquiry into her death.  You can watch a clip here: https://globalnews.ca/news/2072798/i-dont-want-other-people-to-die-inquiry-begins-into-alberta-hospital-drug-death/ As a result of that inquiry, we have a binder of pages filled with Alberta hospital policies, nursing notes, vital signs, and hand written memories of my sister.  It is filled with the "evidence" of my sisters final months with us.  Months filled with hard times.  I've often wondered what I would do with this binder... ...

I had a good cry a few nights ago, one of those "sit on the bathroom floor and sob your eyes out into a washcloth" types of cries.  That was the second one of those in the last month.  Things have not been easy recently.  Writing things like this is not easy either.  there is worry in making things "public." The first cry came in late April, when I separated my shoulder (AC joint) which was a big bummer...  even though I have been able to get back to some activities, and my range of motion is basically back, it is this consistent, dull ache that niggles me all the time. I want to be able to go out an do things, I even did a road ride the other night, against my physio's advice.  And, guess what?  the past two days have been really painful. After my good cry the other night, Sean and I went out for dinner last night.  We spoke about the nitty gritty about things that have been going on recently: how we are both coping with our relationship thes...

recently, you may have read in our family christmas newsletter a bit about our family story with depression.  One of the amazing things that came out of that was the amount of people who reached out and said things like "I never knew" and "thanks for saying something" and "i'd be glad to talk."  The moment you say something is the moment you take away shame and secrecy.   The most touching gift was one from Ontario.   A small book. As you know, we have two dogs: the lovely distinguished big dog (ilala) and the crazy wild little dog (arrow). However, this book reminded me of the third dog we live with... A black dog.  You can see the story in the following video.   I had a black dog, his name was depression. on Vimeo .  It's a World Health Organization illustration, and it does a good job with the metaphor. One of the problems though, is that i really recognize, now, more than ever, some of my concepts and beliefs about recovery from mental ...

Earlier in the year, I asked a few friends about suggestions for books that they would recommend for my study this year.  I can tell already that it will take a little bit of effort on my behalf... I have not regularly read books for quite a while, so I will have to actually carve out the time. Maybe i can cut out the time when I normally watch the bachelor (ugh, can we just take a moment to say that Nick V is SO lame? but how excited are we for the next season of the bachelorette?!)  to read a bit about spirituality and suffering. SO, here is the main list of books and authors suggested.  I will have to pick out the ones I will actually read, caus this is way to much to get through.   I wonder if anyone has any suggestions as to a order I should attempt to read them in...  Any thoughts? Does anyone want to join me in reading some of these? Moltmann's Crucified God Douglas John Hall The Cross in Our Context   and God and Human suffering Thomas Mert...

The new year is here, and I haven't written my "100 best things of 2016" post yet.  I promise I will write it before the end of the month!  If you got our Christmas newsletter, you will know that 2016 wasn't always a walk in the park. It was not bad, it just was not always easy.  Honestly, I don't know that 2017 will be any easier, but I certainly know that I have many things I am already looking forward too. Of course, one might ask if I have New Years resolutions.  I didn't have any, until today.  One of them is blogging more... sitting at my computer, and writing out my thoughts.  I have used this blog over the years for many reasons, but this year, I don't want to write about the things I have written about before.  Of course, posts might contain thoughts on racing, adventure, dogs, work, etc... cause, that's me!  But I want to get back to writing for the therapeutic aspect of it. I am going to write about being in the wife of someone who li...