Wednesday, October 8, 2008

new seasons

this is in West Virginia. the place that was created for autumn. Not my picture though.

Someone once told me that God created seasons to remind us of life. and, to remind us that in order for new life to occur, death must happen. and, as awful as that sounds, it rang true to me today.

I rode my bike through the roads of Vancouver, and noticed how much the season is changing. the air is cold. the trees are yellow and red and purple. it is raining more often. and, it is dark early. and, often, people get sad when the fall comes, because it means that the grey winter is on its way. but, i thought about the leaves, and how they have to die, in order for the new life to happen in the spring. those days when the trees turn pink with cherry blossoms, and then green. and, i gotta admit. i like the fall. i like how it is so crisp, and fresh. but, a different fresh than spring.

i think that my life is finally feeling.... well. i am not 100% sure of how to explain it. maybe finally i am starting to feel happy again. feeling like i am enjoying life. realizing that for now, death has occurred, but new life will soon arrive. a season of change. and, i am kinda excited about it. admittedly, it is hard to leave a dream behind. because change can be scary. but, there are so many things to look forward to. so many things to be in anticipation of. and, i like that. i like that a lot. and, it feels good to have PAX. finally.

edit: today, while at work, i had an interesting conversation, and also received an interesting email, from a friend of mine.

the conversation was about some fears (for lack of a better word) that i have about trying to figure out how to [re]act in the present, because of how it might impact the future. i think i tend to react to situations, with somewhat of a natural instinct, based on situations of the past. however, to me, one of the most freeing points of life will be when you acknowledge how the things of your past influence your actions and thoughts today, but they do not define who you are. in many ways, you have the power to change your situation. and, we talked about if i am a "past-dweller" or a "future-dweller." and, i think, that i am a little of both. i used to be more of a past-dweller. so, today, i was reminded of not letting things of the past define me, and to just go with it. try to resist the desire to ask questions, and know answers, or how everything will turn out.
but, sometimes that is hard. cause, i want to know. but, i suppose that is all in the excitement of figuring it out. and trying not to be scared if something doesnt work out the way you might hope it will.
and, this email. well, this is some of what it said: "The other night I asked God to speak to me in my dreams. What did I dream about? You. You were getting ready to run another race but you were exhausted and I told you that it's okay to take a break and that you couldn't save the world by running seven miles in the pouring rain. I don't know what that means. Probably nothing at all. It was just you and the fact that you run incorporated into my subconscious and probably wasn't God at all." and, you know. i think it was God. now we both just need to figure out what it means. what it means to take a break.

i think i might run a 1/2 marathon on November 16th. just for fun. and, also to achieve a new years resolution that i made for this year. i will decide after the turkey trot on monday. but, it would be a lot of running, in a short time. i would do a 4 week build up, increasing my long runs by 3km each week, finishing with a 19km on the 2nd of November, and a 15km on the 9th. then, a week long taper down to the race, and 21km on the 16th (race day). so, we will see. might actually be do-able...

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