remembering the truths

so, today, I had a conversation with Jodi Tuck, who is one of the members on the committee for the Global Health stream, for my school. it was short. but. it ended up being a harder conversation than predicted.

global health. international health care. marginalized people. social justice. africa.

these are the things that make my heart beat. they are my passions. the things that I cannot imagine my life without. the things that I feel like I was created for. the things I want to dedicate my life to. the areas in which I want to serve.


and, yet, today I was told no.

i was told no, because apparently, in my application, I took serious issues, and approached them too "lighthearted." (for example, where asked about the need to learn a language, they read my response as me saying 'you don't need to learn another language to work in a cross-cultural setting.') the following was the question, and my response:

How do you plan to acquire the necessary language skills required to work in this placement setting? (if applicable)
Most of these settings have a good basis with English. However, as we know, communication occurs through many different aspects beyond language. I have been to a lot of countries where I have not spoken the same language, and it has been okay. If necessary, I would attempt to use some research funding for a interpreter to help with research.

I was told no, because apparently, I did not show enough ability to be autonomous in my work, and create learning experiences for myself. (What i hear from that [if it is accurate, or not].. is that I am not independent enough.)

I was told no, because apparently, my application did not demonstrate enough academic depth. it appeared that I did not take as much time on it as others did. again. it appeared that I am not serious enough about it.

I have plenty of overseas experience, she says, but that is not the only thing they look at.


and, to hear those things, hurts. it hurts to be rejected from something that I feel so well suited to do.

and the following are truths:

• not being in the global health stream will change my goals. my passion. my ability to go overseas.
  
• if I am a nurse.. a nurse with a graduate degree... I can go anywhere in the world, and do whatever I want... with whomever I want.
  
• there are so many interesting topics for research that can be done here in Canada. areas that I am truely interested in.
• this is not the end to the things I am going to pursue in the future.
  
• i know that a lot of the things that I need to learn are through experiences that I will have in the future.

what are the things that I am scared of?

• that I will miss out on classes, or experiences that will better prepare me for my chosen career.
  
• that the things i want to learn in school (like nurse education, or the details of setting up non-profit initiatives, or learning skills required for resource poor situations)
  
• that somehow, at the end of this degree, I will find that i have not been able to explore the things that I want to. that at the end of the day, I will leave school, pay people a lot of money, and be held back in the things I want to achieve as a student.
• that I will not be challenged as much as I want to be or that i will get sucked into something (again...) that I am not interested in, and I just "slog" through for the sake of getting through it.

what hurts:

• that i tried to be fairly "raw" on my application. and, that was perceived as not being serious.
• that people don't perceive me as being autonomous. or able to strong achieve academic depth.
  
• rejection. especially for something that is so "me." I can handle rejection from things that i am only half-hearted about. but, being rejected from something that you believe so much in.

today, i have had to remind myself about a few things.
and, those timeless quotes from Randy Pausch, in the last lecture.

and, i guess these are the ones most applicable for today:

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

so, here is too the brick walls.



and making sure they crumble, when they try to keep me out, and I knock them down.