I arrived back to Montreal this week, and have felt like i have been consistently walking around with tears welling up in my eyes. For some reason, montreal never makes me feel "Sigh, I'm back at home." or "sigh, i love being here." there are nice things about it... but it is not the feeling that I get in other places. I almost cried in yoga on tuesday, when I looked at my Chitenje (African cloth used for various things, most notably carrying children on a back, and wrapped around as a skirt) that I had brought to cover myself up at the end of the session to stay warm. i think i just looked at it and thought "damn... what would I do to be back there..." i miss malawi. I miss the sense of relaxation while getting things done. I miss not feeling stressed out about every single thing in life. i miss the sun on my skin and the laughter that I had every day.
so, what is with the sense of being overwhelmed?
i think it is mostly school... there is SO MUCH crap to be done, and endless readings. I have submitted abstracts for a couple conferences. This Education one at NYU, and the annual meeting for APHA. These are abstracts on a paper that I haven't even written yet. A paper that I barely know what it is about. A paper that counts for 6 credit hours of my degree (that's a good chunk).
Edmonton was not exactly relaxing. Despite having a loving, caring, and supportive family... they are a little crazy. Literally and figuratively. it is *Very* rare that my entire family gets together (i need to start emotionally and mentally preparing for this occurrence to happen again at my wedding), and when it does... well, I wouldn't say it is exactly a restful time. and there was definitely very little time to do work, or think about school while there. I was there to support my family (my dad in particular) as challenging situations were arising. but, i missed a lot of work time. and had inconsistent training.
I have readings and papers and a concept map coming out of my yingyang. it feels as if it will not get done as fast as i need (especially because I am leaving for Vancouver next week again). and, because of all of this, I got 5.5/10 on a quiz this morning... I lost the majority of my points, because i switched the signs and symptoms of upper vs lower respiratory obstruction. ugh. and that made me want to cry again. I am over the fact that getting good marks will lead me anywhere further in life... but, what I do desire, because I love what I am studying, and I love nursing... is to get good marks, because I want to do well in my field. I want to understand it, and i know that good grades represent that you understand, and that you are learning.
and, i have realized how close I am to my first 1/2 ironman of the spring. and... my first 1/2 marathon of the spring... (um, try 10 days?). HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! that makes me want to laugh out loud. soooooooo unprepared. but, training is going well... I am training with McGill Tri Club, mostly because it is cheap, and convenient... since, well, you know... I am a student at McGill. But... I will tell you what... it definently teaches me to be patient, and not competitive during practices. I don't have to kill myself now. it's only February. i don't have to win every swim practice or track run. I have to win my races ;)
so.... i wonder if the solution to this feeling of being overwhelmed is to start drinking at 11am.
probably not. i think the solution is focusing on the positives.
1) we raised the money for Lawrence and Sanderson, for their school fees. With thanks to Laura down in California, who is giving money for every mile she runs this year to a charity (which, i think is amazing, since our sport can be oh.so.selfish/self-rewarding sometimes...), and my Dad, and myself, we are getting the 90-ish dollars that are needed to pay the fees and make the moneygram transfer.
2) the best thing about being in edmonton, was being able to have a sleep over every night with my amazing 16 year old niece Makalya. I got to see her vision board for the week, and talk to her about love and goals and school and friendship. we got to sleep in the same bed, and watch TV together in the bed. we laughed.
3) I got to see other family members (like my aunt), and talk to my brother on the phone. which, is rare. we also got to eat good food in edmonton, at places like the bothy, and duchess bakery.
4) I submitted two abstracts to two conferences. those conferences are in NYC and San Francisco. Wouldn't it be amazing to get accepted?
5) it is sunny outside.
6) i have friends who will give me hugs.
7) i get to see my beloved next wednesday. who, btw, is looking super hot these days...