Monday, May 2, 2011

120 hours

so, it has been a while since I have had a decent post, and, there have been quite a few reasons as too why. I have had a great couple weeks.   things in life are going well.  They have been busy, I have had my first real race of the season, I am in the final steps of submitting my research proposal, and I started my final "Stage" (aka. clinical rotation) for the school year.  Grades for the semester are starting to roll in, so far, with very good results.  Over easter, i got to see the ever hot and wonderful boy i like.

and, all of this means that I have all of 120 clinical hours remaining between me and the summer. it means that i don't really have much homework. just paying 800$ tuition for working 40hrs a week.

120 clinical hours between me and complete school freedom (or, so i hope) for the summer.
120 clinical hours between me and moving on from montreal for at least 8 months.
120 clinical hours between me and going to hawaii.
120 clinical hours between me and... WHAT?!  HAWAII!??!  I only have 32 days until i am racing Honu 70.3?!?

know what this means?
it means it is time to get serious.  

One of the many reasons that i have not been blogging very regularly recently is that on a recent post i wrote something that hurt someone that i care about.  And, it was completely unintentional, but, it shook that person a lot, and subsequently, really rattled me.  And, I know that both of us learnt from it.  so, we look at the positive parts of all of this.  it has been a challenging situation for me, because, since then, I have read other things in multiple places which felt like they were directed at me, despite i know them not being directed at me.

recently, a friend of mine wrote a post which really got me to my core.  here are some of the excerpts...

 .. Its interesting, Race day is like 'test' day. i find that when i race, i push myself hard, i test myself..and when i push myself, I'm REal, more alive then ever, foCUsed.. i don't always like pushing myself, but i know it makes me stronger, it helps me develop skills, mental skills for future use. On the other hand its given me an outlet of self-expression, a way to connect with others and to share through a skill, a passion not only for running but for Life, for the mountains, for its people...

..but no, no don't get me wrong.. running is not all PEAches & Pie.. but thats what makes it invaluable. EAch race, for me, is an aNNOying rollercoaster of emotions. However, with each emotion i feel, in that moment, good and bad.. i experience something. .. think of it as mini-lessons, each race like a movie... there's a protagonist, an antagonist, a problem, a challenge, euphoric moments of complete release and acceptance, many pessimistic self-jabs, a climax then a finish, topped with a lesson and valuable experience...

..i don't enjoy every moment but i enjoy the process and i loVE the journey. . i look forward to the feeling of accomplishment i get only from knowing i gave it my all, i pushed through when i wanted to quit, i believed in myself and tore down self-limiting barriers that were slowly built through my Lifetime of experience. SOmehow with every race i run and every adventure i journey, i feel i become a better, stronger person. I learn to cope, to interact, to achieve, to fail and to fall, to accept and to give. Its interesting, i believe we learn greater lessons from challenges and hardship, so in a way perhaps that's why I'm choosing to excel at this endurance thing, I'm not sure its just about the running... i feel its more about the fight, the fight to survive and push limits, to push beyond where others have capped their capabilities.
i seek to see possibilities in every obstacles, an opportunity to enrich life.. mine and others.

And, it resonated, because after my last few races, i have not been thrilled.  I have not seen PRs, when i have felt ready to go and prepared and fit and excited. And, when things don't go the way you want them to go, it is HARD.  it is like that exam i took last fall, and failed.  I thought i was ready. i was tired and stressed, but, i thought i would be ok.  I tried, and I failed. and it hurt.

why did it hurt?  i think it hurt, because like racing (and training, and triathlon), doing well in Nursing means a lot to me.  I am passionate about it.  i want to be the best nurse i can possibly be.  i put a lot of time and money and commitment and stress and happiness into it.  but, i also know, that i am not going to get a higher and higher grade on every single exam i take.  in fact, there are going to be some exams, where i just do really shitty.  not because i don't know it.  but, because there are a lot more things playing into the overall picture. 
but, notice a theme?
these emotions are all the same things we feel about our priorities in life.
racing. work. parenthood (um. not like i know). true friendships. school.

and, i have thought back about that first season where i had no idea what i was doing in triathlon. The year before, i had been in a bike crash where i broke both my arms.  i was out there to do well, and to have fun, and to see what would happen.  Somewhere between then and now, i have discovered that I am somewhat decent at this sport, it has become more of a priority, and all of a sudden, i have forgotten the little things that are also the important things. it is not always about getting a PR or placing in "the top 10 %." 

so. it is time to get serious. 
what does that mean to me?
  • it means that i am going from caffeinated coffee to decaf.  
  • it means no more alcohol between now and then (or, rather, a maximum of one glass, partnered with a glass of water).  but, with 3 weeks to go, it will be completely cut.
  • it means that there are going to be more early mornings that i am working out, so, i can train at a prime time of the day.
  • it means that i am going to be approaching Honu 70.3 with a bit of awe and wonder. that i am going to go in, not know what the results are going to be. but, doing my best.
  • it means hitting nutrition. and sleeping 8hrs a night. and resting and recovering well. 
  • it means wearing extra clothing during my training, in order to "simulate hot race conditions" for Honu  (is this a crazy/stupid thing to do!?)
  • it means scheduling my life well and seeing my friends and doing well at clinical.
I have things to do in the next few weeks.  i have to start packing and shipping items. i have to race a sprint triathlon in 2 weeks.  i have to finish my proposal. i have to sell some items (like my bed.  who buys a mattress and box set... anyone!?).  

so, in all of this, i guess getting serious means getting back to my roots.  


Kristin said...

Very touching post!! You are going to do well with both your race and nursing! Hang in there!! :)

Scott said...

I just did a 70.3 2 weeks ago and you just fired me up to do another one today.