dreaming over the ocean

 I was on Facebook this morning (yeah yeah, i'm a millenial), and one of the best things about Facebook is the "memories" tab.  I clicked it this morning, and it had a link to this blog I used to write.   It came up with an excellent post about all the things we work hard at in our day to day life. Isn't it true.  We all just wake up, every day, wanting to do our best and work hard at things. The last time I wrote, i was done my first maternity leave.  Turns out that I am way past that point in my life, and even had another mat leave. I still give my day to days a solid effort.  I was reminiscing last night about 2014, and how I thought I was busy then.  Still a fairly new nurse, a new wife, training for triathlon like crazy.  But I had no idea.  No idea how busy life can be.  Maybe I will write here a little more, because I think that self reflection is good. Journalling is good.  I certainly don't have the patience to physic...

Well, I must admit, this past year has gone quite quickly!   As the saying goes: "the days might be long, but the time is short."   I have definitely felt that! Despite the hard times in the last year, it has been really really amazing.  I have accomplished a lot, and I have things to show for it.  This is a list of things that I have done, which don't include raising a child. Sewed a play tent for Haines. Got our garage door fixed. Painted all the trim (that I can reach) on our house.  Rebuilt our front and back porch stairs. Sanded and re-stained our back porch and wood pillars. Built a wood fire place backing and mantle. Sanded and Painted wooden blocks for Haines. Started renovating my mothers kitchen Sorted a helluva lot of boxes at my mum's and tossed out old crap. Did two triathlons.  Organized a Gravel Fondo Wrote my will, personal directive & power of attorney Finished (with my in-laws) our back yard fence.  Ca...

On Monday, I got back from a wonderful trip to Jamaica and Toronto with Haines and my friend Sandra.  It was a fantastic time away, and so refreshing.  Maybe more on that later... for now, a few pics. I came back, and it hit me.  I'm officially done Mat leave.  I no longer get government assistance/EI.  I am back on the sign-in sheet at work.  I have just over a month before my first shift again.  Wow! I have a few things happening this week, with my in-laws in town, a party to throw, and advent starting.  On Monday, I invited a few friends of mine to Vancouver to kick off advent & one of them, who I haven't been able to see for quite a while, was unable to attend.  Something emotional triggered in me, and I suddenly worried that I had my first "Friend Fatality." You know, that thing that happens when someone who has never been a parent, becomes a parent?  That shift in social relationships that acc...

Today, my daughter is 11 months old!  And, there is less than 60 days until 2020.  Thats nutsbar (i recognize that is probably not a word, but that's cool).  Fall is my fave part of the year, and this week is stunning. It feels like in a blink of an eye, I will be going back to work.  And no, I don't have childcare arranged.  However, I am hopeful. And yes, I am sticking with my old job, even though there is lots of other opportunities out there.  I thin there is something to be said about returning to familiarity.  I will start there, and move forward. Today, I woke up feeling a little guilty... for lack of a better word.  Haines and I had a great trip last week to Edmonton, where I was helping my mum with quite a bit of stuff around her house.  I also was able to spend time with quite a few people, mostly over shared meals.  So, it was good stuff.  It was really nice to have my mum spend an extended period with Haines ...

Some folks have recently been asking me about how my chat went at Church a few weeks ago. I think it went really well, and I enjoyed the process of preparing for it. It was meaningful for me, and I think meaningful for the folks who heard me speak. At least I saw a few tears, which always mean something was relevant! First, I want to ask you to think about a time in your life that you have experienced a significant transition. What emotions did you experience? Was it excitement, anticipation, fear, grief, loneliness? For me, there have been a few notable times of transition. The summer of 2012, when I moved to Vancouver, started my career as a wife, unexpectedly lost my sister to her mental illness, and got married. When my father died, in 2017. When I was given the opportunity to be a mother, with the birth and arrival of Baby Haines. Those times were all filled with huge emotions. A sense of shifting responsibility, a relief because my loved ones were no longer suffering, a ...

Wow! it has been a while since I have written.  I was fairly frequent blogger in the past, and then it just slowly started to lag.  It's interesting, because the last post on this site was less than a week prior to the death of my Dad.  I must not have known what was to come.   I wanted many times to write a post about him, but i just did not know what to say.  So many thoughts, words, emotions... none which could fully describe the process of celebrating his life & grieving his loss. Lots has happened in the last year and a half.  Most notably, our family has grown by 1!  Haines Olive arrived into the world on November 29th, 2019.  She is lovely & such a joy to have in our lives.  However, with her in my life, there is probably time to write more!  haha!  there are certainly hours in the day when I am "doing nothing" except for watching a baby sleep or lie on the floor and talk to herself.   I don't know ...

5 years ago, I crumpled on the sidewalk of Cordova and Dunlevy streets in vancouver, as my dad was speechless on the phone as he called me to say my sister had died.  Grief changes, but I learn that it will never likely leave. Today, as I do every year, Rebecca was high in my thoughts.  Every year, I don't know what I will do to remember this day.  I didn't do much today.  However, I know what I am going to do.. A few years ago, we participated in a public inquiry into her death.  You can watch a clip here: https://globalnews.ca/news/2072798/i-dont-want-other-people-to-die-inquiry-begins-into-alberta-hospital-drug-death/ As a result of that inquiry, we have a binder of pages filled with Alberta hospital policies, nursing notes, vital signs, and hand written memories of my sister.  It is filled with the "evidence" of my sisters final months with us.  Months filled with hard times.  I've often wondered what I would do with this binder... ...

I had a good cry a few nights ago, one of those "sit on the bathroom floor and sob your eyes out into a washcloth" types of cries.  That was the second one of those in the last month.  Things have not been easy recently.  Writing things like this is not easy either.  there is worry in making things "public." The first cry came in late April, when I separated my shoulder (AC joint) which was a big bummer...  even though I have been able to get back to some activities, and my range of motion is basically back, it is this consistent, dull ache that niggles me all the time. I want to be able to go out an do things, I even did a road ride the other night, against my physio's advice.  And, guess what?  the past two days have been really painful. After my good cry the other night, Sean and I went out for dinner last night.  We spoke about the nitty gritty about things that have been going on recently: how we are both coping with our relationship thes...

recently, you may have read in our family christmas newsletter a bit about our family story with depression.  One of the amazing things that came out of that was the amount of people who reached out and said things like "I never knew" and "thanks for saying something" and "i'd be glad to talk."  The moment you say something is the moment you take away shame and secrecy.   The most touching gift was one from Ontario.   A small book. As you know, we have two dogs: the lovely distinguished big dog (ilala) and the crazy wild little dog (arrow). However, this book reminded me of the third dog we live with... A black dog.  You can see the story in the following video.   I had a black dog, his name was depression. on Vimeo .  It's a World Health Organization illustration, and it does a good job with the metaphor. One of the problems though, is that i really recognize, now, more than ever, some of my concepts and beliefs about recovery from mental ...

Earlier in the year, I asked a few friends about suggestions for books that they would recommend for my study this year.  I can tell already that it will take a little bit of effort on my behalf... I have not regularly read books for quite a while, so I will have to actually carve out the time. Maybe i can cut out the time when I normally watch the bachelor (ugh, can we just take a moment to say that Nick V is SO lame? but how excited are we for the next season of the bachelorette?!)  to read a bit about spirituality and suffering. SO, here is the main list of books and authors suggested.  I will have to pick out the ones I will actually read, caus this is way to much to get through.   I wonder if anyone has any suggestions as to a order I should attempt to read them in...  Any thoughts? Does anyone want to join me in reading some of these? Moltmann's Crucified God Douglas John Hall The Cross in Our Context   and God and Human suffering Thomas Mert...

The new year is here, and I haven't written my "100 best things of 2016" post yet.  I promise I will write it before the end of the month!  If you got our Christmas newsletter, you will know that 2016 wasn't always a walk in the park. It was not bad, it just was not always easy.  Honestly, I don't know that 2017 will be any easier, but I certainly know that I have many things I am already looking forward too. Of course, one might ask if I have New Years resolutions.  I didn't have any, until today.  One of them is blogging more... sitting at my computer, and writing out my thoughts.  I have used this blog over the years for many reasons, but this year, I don't want to write about the things I have written about before.  Of course, posts might contain thoughts on racing, adventure, dogs, work, etc... cause, that's me!  But I want to get back to writing for the therapeutic aspect of it. I am going to write about being in the wife of someone who li...

It's raining and it's the fall.  October apparently had the most frequent days in a row of rain that has ever happened.  Like, 28 of 31 days or something crazy like that.  Bleh.  Let's talk about happy things!  Once again, I am stoked to represent Betty Designs in 2017!  This team has been such a wonderful group to be a part of.  Not just amazing gear, but the friendships and fun.  I'm excited for new pursuits (hello, off road triathlon!) and for continuing to build my connection with this group of amazing women!  I'm in a Friday night social league.  This sport is a whole lot of fun & perfect for the dreary nights.  Getting to know a different group of people in Squamish (ahem, the former mayor was my skip for a week), and learning something that requires a totally different set of skills than what I use in racing.  My doggie.  She's the best and oh so hilarious. We are also nearing the one year anniversary of getting...

Oh boy!  I can't believe that it is already September.  The summer has passed so quickly, and fall is certainly in the air.  Sometimes I wonder if it is because I didn't have any focused race periods, or builds, or whatnot.  Or, perhaps it was because of the consistency with the Malawi walking challenge. I'm just not sure.  But here is a quick recap, with some of the summer highlights.  1) going to Edmonton and DNFing a triathlon  I went to Edmonton on a lovely trip with Sean to see friends, visit family, bury/remember my sister, celebrate my birthday and compete in GWN triathlon. It was quick, but filled with fun and love.   2) Malawi walking challenge  500km of walking in 50 days.  Basically... Lots of lovely walks, some fundraising, lots of reflection on how to keep Warm Heart Initiatives going strong.  3) Squamish 50km.   It was hard and it was fun.  I cried, laughed, trotted, walked, balanced, and felt like I was acco...

Hi Folks, I know that there are a few people who are continuing to read this site... And, I appreciate you.  I also appreciate this site, and know that I have been neglecting it. I have thought and drafted a few posts that I will eventually get to, but for now, I want you to head over to Warm Heart Initiatives.   I'm doing a walking challenge right now, and I would appreciate your support!  I am aiming to walk 500km in 50 days (basically), and raise 1500$.  So far fundraising has been slow, but walking has been awesome.  It is amazing how much you see and how much you think about when you are walking. I live in this incredible spot of the world, which makes walking "easy."  However, doing something consistently day after day is a challenge.  So, please join me in this journey. Meanwhile... some photos from a weekend camping trip I did up to Joffre lakes with some girls. It was walking, it was just not during my walking challenge!!!

Its pretty hard to believe that I have lived in Squamish for 8 months!  We seem like such new residents, and it is so strange to continually have conversations about "how long have you been here, wow! ok!"  There is no question in my mind that this was a bad decision.  However, lets talk about the good and the bad. The Good: Mountains.  We see lots of animals: bears, salmon, bald eagles, deer, mysterious animals in the forest that you cant see, birds, snakes.  There is so much to do!  Being outside is Squawesome, and it is so much fun to learn new things.  Mountain biking is great, and challenging. Trail running is way better than road running.  I want to paddle board, I want to get back into camping. Our neighbourhood is awesome.  Almost like the condo community in Vancouver, but with yards houses.  Good Facebook group, lovely conversations while walking the trails around our house. Farmers markets, and craft markets.  Suc...

1. being told with a great big hug "it's only 2 km.  You will make it, run over that finish line" at IMC 2. Being asked from one portopottie to another: are you OK? At IMC. 3. Trampoline with Swartz kids 4. Cessna plane ride with Zach driving, 5. Buying XC Skis. 6. The lake at Oliver half following a scorching hot day. 7. Buying a mountain bike. 8. Buying a house in Squamish. 9. Obtaining bruises while mountain biking in Squamish. 10. Seeing just how far my dog can run while I am cycling. 11. Watching sean and Sam come off the Alaska ferry. 12. Getting on global news Edmonton during my sister's public inquiry. 13. Having my sisters public inquiry covered in the Edmonton journal, here and here. 14.  Playing ticket to ride with the Greenaway-Robbins. 15. Finally finishing our bible study of the book of Luke... 2.5 yrs after we started! 16. Mandatory hi-fives at Alice lake after an epic training weekend with Jill. 17. Running a st patty's day 5km with sean. 18. Meeti...

It's the eve of Ironman Canada, and I will close my eyes in 3 minutes. People keep asking if his is my first ironman.  I did challenge penticton in 2013, so no.  Somehow this feels very different.  I think I have greater expectations.  I've put more forward onto this race.  When I toe the line tomorrow AM with 100 other women in my age group, and far more other competitors, I will just be so thankful and grateful and excited.  There are going to be a lot of fast women out there.  I am going to do the journey, controlling all that I can, and letting go all that I can't.  I will fill the dark spaces with flowers and rainbows, and high rive as many people a possible.  I will try to dance down the finish chute. Thank you for doing this journey with me.  For believing in me, for pushing me, for laughing with me.  For not getting annoyed with me and ironman talk. For feeding me lots of food, and forgiving me when I'm too tired.  Than...

Hello,   I am wanting to write about a public inquiry that is happening this week at the Edmonton courts, with the hopes that it might get covered in the news. My sister, Shaunnie Rebecca Payne, passed away in September 2012, while she was under care at Alberta Hospital. Rebecca was 31 when she passed away, after years going in and out of different facilities.  She was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, and had all the difficulties associated with it: couldn't hold down a job, difficult family relationships, housing troubles, substance use, etc. etc.  At any rate, long story short is that she was in Alberta Hospital in intensive care; after having been taken off her medications and started on Clozapine, she passed away suddenly.  On a Friday, she had a physical assessment by an MD, and then she was found dead in her bed on a  Sunday morning . The post-mortem indicated that she had a toxic amount of clozapine in her blood. No one knows “...

Oliver Half was a last minute entry for me, as I had planned on racing Cultus Lake Loop, the weekend after.  However, I'm really happy with the weekend, and the time spent in Oliver, and heading back to the site where my first BC race was, after I moved back from Montreal in 2012.  We arrived on Friday, after a beautiful drive through the North Cascades, and then had a good swim.  It felt like it was going to be the hottest place on Earth.  My shoulder has been a bit twingy, so I decided to not swim on Saturday & give it ice and a rest.   Up early on Saturday, got a great bike in (fast, with a low HR), and quick brick.  Then, mostly legs up with a bit of wine tasting!  I was also sipping on electrolyte water all day long.  My goals were to mostly try to race what Ironman should feel like: comfortable, but not insane.  Drink more fluid than I think is needed.  Race smart, race strong.   I think my pre-race warm up was well e...

It's the night before a race, and there is a whole lot of nothing going on!  Exactly the way I hope. We drove to the OK yesterday after meeting Sean and Sam following the epic Alaskan bike and ferry ride. Then we drove an amazing highway: the North cascades across to Osoyoos.  soSo beautiful!   I am going to be racing the Oliver Half Iron put on by Dynamic race events.  The last time I was here, it was 2012, I did an Olympic, and it was my first race in BC after moving back from Montreal. This race is #2 of 3 scheduled for the year, and I feel relaxed! We are staying at beautiful Spirit Rodge resort, and it feels like a race-cation.  Today we even got some wine tasting in, and pool side sitting.  (All, of course, while I taking plenty of salty water and a few more carbs than normal.) I was out on a ride today, and I was able to go fast without much effort.  Exactly what you hope for.  The day before a race.  It is going to be ridiculously hot...