dreaming over the ocean

On Monday, I got back from a wonderful trip to Jamaica and Toronto with Haines and my friend Sandra.  It was a fantastic time away, and so refreshing.  Maybe more on that later... for now, a few pics. I came back, and it hit me.  I'm officially done Mat leave.  I no longer get government assistance/EI.  I am back on the sign-in sheet at work.  I have just over a month before my first shift again.  Wow! I have a few things happening this week, with my in-laws in town, a party to throw, and advent starting.  On Monday, I invited a few friends of mine to Vancouver to kick off advent & one of them, who I haven't been able to see for quite a while, was unable to attend.  Something emotional triggered in me, and I suddenly worried that I had my first "Friend Fatality." You know, that thing that happens when someone who has never been a parent, becomes a parent?  That shift in social relationships that accompany that life change?  That

Today, my daughter is 11 months old!  And, there is less than 60 days until 2020.  Thats nutsbar (i recognize that is probably not a word, but that's cool).  Fall is my fave part of the year, and this week is stunning. It feels like in a blink of an eye, I will be going back to work.  And no, I don't have childcare arranged.  However, I am hopeful. And yes, I am sticking with my old job, even though there is lots of other opportunities out there.  I thin there is something to be said about returning to familiarity.  I will start there, and move forward. Today, I woke up feeling a little guilty... for lack of a better word.  Haines and I had a great trip last week to Edmonton, where I was helping my mum with quite a bit of stuff around her house.  I also was able to spend time with quite a few people, mostly over shared meals.  So, it was good stuff.  It was really nice to have my mum spend an extended period with Haines as well.    We got back yesterday, and I was s

Some folks have recently been asking me about how my chat went at Church a few weeks ago. I think it went really well, and I enjoyed the process of preparing for it. It was meaningful for me, and I think meaningful for the folks who heard me speak. At least I saw a few tears, which always mean something was relevant! First, I want to ask you to think about a time in your life that you have experienced a significant transition. What emotions did you experience? Was it excitement, anticipation, fear, grief, loneliness? For me, there have been a few notable times of transition. The summer of 2012, when I moved to Vancouver, started my career as a wife, unexpectedly lost my sister to her mental illness, and got married. When my father died, in 2017. When I was given the opportunity to be a mother, with the birth and arrival of Baby Haines. Those times were all filled with huge emotions. A sense of shifting responsibility, a relief because my loved ones were no longer suffering, a

Wow! it has been a while since I have written.  I was fairly frequent blogger in the past, and then it just slowly started to lag.  It's interesting, because the last post on this site was less than a week prior to the death of my Dad.  I must not have known what was to come.   I wanted many times to write a post about him, but i just did not know what to say.  So many thoughts, words, emotions... none which could fully describe the process of celebrating his life & grieving his loss. Lots has happened in the last year and a half.  Most notably, our family has grown by 1!  Haines Olive arrived into the world on November 29th, 2019.  She is lovely & such a joy to have in our lives.  However, with her in my life, there is probably time to write more!  haha!  there are certainly hours in the day when I am "doing nothing" except for watching a baby sleep or lie on the floor and talk to herself.   I don't know exactly when or what I will be writing, but i'd

5 years ago, I crumpled on the sidewalk of Cordova and Dunlevy streets in vancouver, as my dad was speechless on the phone as he called me to say my sister had died.  Grief changes, but I learn that it will never likely leave. Today, as I do every year, Rebecca was high in my thoughts.  Every year, I don't know what I will do to remember this day.  I didn't do much today.  However, I know what I am going to do.. A few years ago, we participated in a public inquiry into her death.  You can watch a clip here: https://globalnews.ca/news/2072798/i-dont-want-other-people-to-die-inquiry-begins-into-alberta-hospital-drug-death/ As a result of that inquiry, we have a binder of pages filled with Alberta hospital policies, nursing notes, vital signs, and hand written memories of my sister.  It is filled with the "evidence" of my sisters final months with us.  Months filled with hard times.  I've often wondered what I would do with this binder... it does no good to my

I had a good cry a few nights ago, one of those "sit on the bathroom floor and sob your eyes out into a washcloth" types of cries.  That was the second one of those in the last month.  Things have not been easy recently.  Writing things like this is not easy either.  there is worry in making things "public." The first cry came in late April, when I separated my shoulder (AC joint) which was a big bummer...  even though I have been able to get back to some activities, and my range of motion is basically back, it is this consistent, dull ache that niggles me all the time. I want to be able to go out an do things, I even did a road ride the other night, against my physio's advice.  And, guess what?  the past two days have been really painful. After my good cry the other night, Sean and I went out for dinner last night.  We spoke about the nitty gritty about things that have been going on recently: how we are both coping with our relationship these days.  I'